


Descending Lost Star

by HighWarlockMegaraBane



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Crow's the best, Earthbound Immortals (mentioned), Feels, Gen, I hate how the dub treated Yusei so here's this, Rudger Godwin (mentioned), Yusei Fudo deserves nice things, Yusei's edgy, brothers being the best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 09:35:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17578391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HighWarlockMegaraBane/pseuds/HighWarlockMegaraBane
Summary: Yusei's still wrought with inner turmoil following the Dark Signers, and all of the guilt he's carrying can't be an easy thing to bear. How long can he keep it bottled up before it finally tears him apart?





	Descending Lost Star

I could feel it—Rudger’s madness, seeping into my own heart, feeding on the despairs that I held there, on the things I kept hidden inside, the fears that gnawed at me ever since I first learned of the truth behind Zero Reverse. It was like a fog behind my eyes, clouding everything in front of me until all I could see were the glowing red of Uru’s body, crimson and blurred behind my tears. I didn’t even realize I was speaking until my body shook with the emotion.

               “That incident took Jack and Crow’s parents. It threw everyone’s lives out of whack.” I took a hard, shuddering breath. My hands were shaking and it was all I could do to not vomit right there. “If that hadn’t happened, we would all have warm parents and would be living happy lives!”

               Rudger was frowning at me, dark eyes narrowed. That was the only expression on his awful face, that introspective frown. I wanted to punch it off of him.

               I could see in my mind’s eye the time I met Jack, and then a year later when we met Crow. When we were all so innocent, childish naiveite glowing in our laughter that kept Martha up all night, showing in our tears the first time the older kids pushed us down and tore our decks apart. I remembered watching Jack punch a kid in the nose the first and last time someone made Crow cry.

               “And despite that—why do they recognize me as their friend?” My voice was climbing in my desperation, both in volume and in timbre. Tears were falling now, hot and heavy, burning my cheeks like that damn marker, permanently scrawled on my face in an awful tattoo.

               All of the memories faded, replaced by my nightmares, of Jack sneering at me, Crow turning his back, of being the kid Jack punched because I made Crow cry, but we were adults—they had made the connection between Dr. Fudo and the Fudo who stood before them. Why didn’t they? I was waiting for it—it was like standing on a pile of lightbulbs, knowing they were going to shatter but they _haven’t yet why haven’t they, they should have broken already, I should be bleeding by now…_

               “Why do they smile upon me without asking?” My entire body was wracked with sobs. I could hardly function—that damn fog was clouding my mind—I felt like I was going to suffocate in my anger and panic. I wanted someone to tell me what to do. I was so tired of fighting alone, of fighting everything and everyone in an effort to prove myself—and to who?

               Who was I trying to prove wrong? My father? The rest of the world who couldn’t see me for my dad? Rudger? Rex? Crow and Jack, who hadn’t been anything but loving and supporting to me? My legs were shaking. It took everything I had to stay standing. Everything that I had tried to suppress for months—years even, _how long have I held this in? I can’t even remember anymore_ —was bubbling up, and I couldn’t control it.

               “What do I do? How do I make it up to them?” I shouted, gasping through my cries. “Answer!” I shrieked when Rudger was silent. “Answer me, Rudger! What do I say? _Do I tell them I’m sorry?_ ”

               When he spoke, Rudger’s voice was quiet and level, almost louder in the silence than mine.

               “Is this the darkness in your heart?”

               _Yes_. The word resounded through my head, pounding though my body in time with my heartbeat. _This is the darkness I hide inside. These are the things I refuse to tell anyone. The fears that keep me sane—or are they destroying me? They’ve been my companions for so long I can’t even tell anymore._

               The bridge crumbled under my feet—I could hear Rudger laughing—I could hear Luna, Leo, Trudge, Crow, all screaming my name—and I’m screaming too—I have to be—

 

“Yusei!”

               With a gasp I’m awake.

               Crow’s bending over me, grey eyes wide in the darkness. His hands are gripping my shoulders, thumbs digging into my collarbones. It takes me a long moment to realize I’m breathing hard, my hands clenched in my blankets tight enough to numb my fingertips.

               “I-I’m awake,” I manage to choke out. Crow exhales hard, releasing me. As I sit up, he drops heavily onto the edge of the bed. His hair, still damp from his late shower, falls around his face and shoulders in heavy orange locks.

               “About damn time,” he groans with a half-laugh. “You were shouting in your sleep. Figured you were gonna rouse the whole neighborhood. I couldn’t hardly wake you up.”

               I look down. My heart’s still pounding. I can’t escape it—even now, almost two years after the Dark Signer incident, when the WRGP should be the only thing on my mind, the guilt about Zero Reverse is still one of the only things I could focus on. This isn’t the first time I’ve had this nightmare even this month—there’s a reason I stayed awake for days at a time—but apparently the first time I’ve been vocal about it.

               “Yuse?”

               I raise my head. Crow’s peering at me in the half-light, one hand nestled in his wild mess of hair, keeping it pinned back from his face. His face is uncharacteristically solemn.

               “What was your dream about?” he asks, his voice quiet.

               “Nothing,” I find myself saying. It’s habitual from growing up together, when Jack and I would have nightmares that we wouldn’t want to scare Crow with, because we were the ones he looked up to. But we’re not kids anymore, and Crow knows that—he frowns at me and shakes his head lightly.

               “Come on, man, talk to me. You never have screaming nightmares anymore unless it’s something real bad.” He yawns. “I’ll stay here all night if I have to.”

               “I didn’t wake you up, did I?” I ask instead.

               Crow shakes his head again. “I just got back from work a couple hours ago,” he replies. “I was surprised to find you in bed already, honestly. Bruno said you looked dead on your feet, so he insisted. I made myself something to eat, took a shower, and was awake on my laptop when I heard you.” Then he fixes me with a stern look, far too much like Martha for me to be comfortable. “Don’t change the subject.”

               “Crow, I don’t think it’s as big of a deal you’re making it out to be,” I excuse. It sounds lame even to me.

               He sighs. “Do you remember,” he begins softly, looking away from me, “when I first came to live at Martha’s?”

               “Like—right after the three of us met?” I ask, grateful to be talking about anything but myself.

               “Yeah.”

               “I mean, I remember the incident, yes.”

               He chuckles, but it sounds dry. “I don’t know if you ever noticed, but I didn’t speak to Martha for a month. I was taught from a young age that I couldn’t trust adults.” His fingers find the split ends of his hair, rubbing at them absently. “Despite what you and Jack said about her being trustworthy and safe, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had a nightmare one night—”

               “You never had nightmares,” I interrupt, confused.

               “None that I let you guys see.” He smiles a little sadly, his eyes distant. “I had nightmares the whole first year. One time it was pretty bad—I woke up crying, and left the room before I woke you up. I ended up in the bathroom, having one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I really thought I was going to die. I realize now I wasn’t, but hell, I was nine—what was I supposed to think?

               “Anyway, I was preparing for my imminent death when Martha came to find me. I panicked harder when I saw her, and I shouted at her to go away. Instead, she just sat on the other side of the bathroom door and sang to me.”

               This isn’t some revelation to me—Martha would sing to Jack and I sometimes when we couldn’t sleep or we were sick—but I’d never heard her sing to Crow.

               “I don’t know how long it took until I calmed down,” he continues. “After that, every time I had a nightmare I would end up in her room, and I’d sit on the floor while she sang until I felt better.”

               “Are you trying to tell me that if I have nightmares, you’re going to sing to me?” I ask, eyebrows raising. Crow punches me in the shoulder.

               “My _point is_ —it’s not like you’re the only one in the world with nightmares,” he explains. “And I doubt your nightmares are as silly as mine were as a kid. So, come on. What’s on your mind?”

               I frown, biting the inside of my cheek as I pull at the stitching on my blanket. “Remember when I dueled Rudger?”

               “Are you _still_ on your guilt trip about that?” Crow interrupts immediately. He frowns, pushing his hair back from his face. Not for the first time, I wonder why he goes through all the trouble of gelling his hair up every morning when it looks just as good down. “Yuse, I told you then and I’ve told you since—I don’t blame you or your dad for Zero Reverse. I never have. I blame the Godwin brothers, if anyone. Yeah, the Planetary Particle Reactor might have been your dad’s invention, but he wasn’t the one who caused Zero Reverse.”

               “But without his research, it wouldn’t have happened in the first place.” My voice is shaking again and I can feel it—that fog, coming back, clouding my mind and my eyes until I can’t hear anything but the blood roaring in my head. I clench my fists on the blankets. “Without my dad, the Satellite wouldn’t have split from Neo Domino in the first place. Without any of that, you and Jack wouldn’t have been orphaned—we would all still have our parents—”

               My words are falling over themselves. I lose track of what I’m saying until all I can see are the tears welling in my eyes, all I can feel is my heart pounding down into my fingertips, all I want to do is scream and why is it so hard to breathe—

               And before I even realize I’ve devolved into sobs, Crow’s pulled me against him and has his arms wrapped around my shoulders. His grip is tight and leaves no room for arguments. He doesn't say anything but that's fine - I don't want him to anyway. 

I knot my fingers into his shirt, desperate for anything that isn’t all of the awful feelings rattling around in my brain. My head bows against his sharp collarbone as my entire body shakes uncontrollably. I want to tell him I’m sorry, sorry for Zero Reverse, sorry for disturbing his work, sorry for crying on him, sorry for unloading all of this onto him, but it’s all I can do to keep breathing.

               I don’t know how long I’m sitting there, letting Crow hold me, until I finally come back to reality. I swallow hard and raise my head. “I’m sorry,” I manage. My voice is raw.

               “What for?” he asks gently.

               “I don’t know.” I wipe the back of my hand across my eyes. “I’m just sorry.”

               “Well, don’t be. And you're a damn fool if you still think any of us are going to turn on you.” Crow stands. “I’ll be right back.” He leaves the room, leaving the door open. Light from the hallway spills in after him, turning the sharp edges of things in my room a strange gold. I stare at the doorway until he reappears, his laptop balanced in the crook of one arm.

               “You don’t mind if I sit in here, right?” he asks, setting his laptop on my desk without waiting for a response. “Your bedroom is warmer than mine.”

               “Um—I guess,” I said. “But I don’t want to bother you.” _If I have another nightmare I don’t want to disturb you._ The words refuse to come out.

               “It’s not a bother.” He tips his head at me. “I promise.”

               _Thank you._ I can’t bring myself to say it. _Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for not making me sleep alone. Thank you for knowing without being asked. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for not leaving me._

               “Crow, I…” The words dry up on my tongue. He smiles and drops into my desk chair, already pulling his headphones on over his mess of hair.

               “Don’t mention it.”

               I lay down and turn with my back to him, listening to the quiet clicking of his fingers on the keys. I still don't think I deserve it - deserve _him_ , him and Jack and the rest of our band - but I'll fight that fight later, I suppose. I'm thankful regardless.

               It doesn’t take long for me to fall asleep again.

               This time, it’s dreamless.


End file.
